who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
