Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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