Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
