He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
