I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
