So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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