He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
