Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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