I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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