so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
