i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
