Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
