I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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