She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
