Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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