i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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