Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You're earring is so big in my mouth
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
