Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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