The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I need to calm my uterus...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
