It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
