then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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