dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
tell me about the eggs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
