we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This toilet bowl is my home.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
