He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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