If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
