it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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