Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
