I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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