I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
