What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
