Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
