you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Send help, water and tortillas.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
