this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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