we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
