he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
