ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
