I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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