this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
