I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
