There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
