I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
