dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My ass is underappreciated
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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