I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
