And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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