Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
