the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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