If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
