They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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