That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
