You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
