please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
