wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
