when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
